[NOTE: The members of the West Boston Irish Drunkards Society - a fraternal organization which, despite its name, exists only to torment me - made clear their opinion of the Weakly Blow on the second day of its life: "Your blog is an abomination," they wrote to the editor, "and you are ugly and short." These anonymous cowards (they maintain their anonymity by never removing their faces from behind their humongous beer mugs, even when visiting the men's room) have once again risen from their alcoholic stupors to render the following judgement: "Dear Editor: 'Good Question Amber!' is the most a bominable [sic] post ever posted on yr a bominable [sic again] blog. But that is only because it is the longest. Very truly yours, etc." Unfortunately, the Drunkards are not altogether wrong in this instance. It is a touch long but I am not talented enough to trim it, nor humble enough to kill it. Proceed at your own risk and cease reading if your skin busts out in hives. Hirsh Horn's Weakly Blow cannot be resbonsible for rashes induced by poor writing, or by anything else. - cc]
David AlmacyFormer White House Internet Director
Photo: Courtesy of the White House
A few weeks ago, I read in the always-informative-and-amusing Boston Globe that the President had initiated a Bold New Initiative aimed at solving the problem of "climate change," which is what Republicans call "global warming." To me, climate change is an important topic, because I got a kick out of March of the Penguins and I'm a sucker for baby harp seals and I enjoy having non-cancerous skin. But as noted in a previous post, the Boston Globe isn't always spot-on when it comes to seeing something, writing down what was seen, and then publishing a comprehensible account of the whole affair. So instead of relying on the Globe, I went to a website I knew I could trust - www.whitehouse.gov - to find out exactly what The Decider had decided to do. The answer was, I confess, disappointing, for the Bold New Initiative turned out to be . . .
. . . a speech.
Now, as everyone knows, a speech is better than nothing, except, I guess, this time, when it wasn't. It was fairly long - more than twenty minutes - and seemed even longer because of some unnecessary padding. Here are a few actual excerpts, guaranteed utterly genuine:
"Every day energy brings countless benefits to our people. Energy powers new hospitals and schools so we can live longer and more productive lives. Energy transforms the way we produce food . . . Right now much of the world's energy comes from oil. . . . Almost all our vehicles run on gasoline or diesel fuel."
Evidently, times have grown so tough at the White House that either President Bush's speeches are being written by a fifth grader, or he is writing them himself. I half-expected him to say: "My daddy has a big red car that can go real fast - brrrr-OOOM! And daddy's red car drinks gas that gots no lead in it."
But he did not. Instead, he said this:
"There is a way forward that will enable us to grow our economies and protect the environment and that's called technology."
I read that sentence over a few times; then I read the whole speech over again. All of that reading took about three-and-a-half minutes, because I read very slowly. Then I took another three-and-a-half minutes to think a little bit, but I had to stop because thinking makes me queasy - almost as queasy as that sentence: "There is a way forward . . . and that's called technology."
In the first place, "technology" is a noun that pines for some sort of a verb. I've got nothing against nouns - "penguin," "seal" and "skin," for instance, are all nouns. But when someone, especially the President, initiates an initiative, a noun can't do the job alone.
Consider this: if President McKinley had relied on nouns alone, we might never have been able to have the Spanish-American War. The initiative behind that war was: REMEMBER THE MAINE! People started yelling that initiative at other people, so loudly, and so frequently, a lot of guys probably went off to war thinking that Spain had blown up Maine itself. That's how you know a Bold New Initiative is working: People start acting even stupider than they really are. But supposing McKinley had stood before Congress and said: "There is a way forward that will enable us to take Cuba and the Philippines and, incidentally, Guam, away from Spain - and that is called Maine."
Doesn't work, does it?
There could be a deeper problem here, too. I like technology as much as the next guy. Without technology, you couldn't very well take cameras up to the North Pole and follow penguins around, could you? But there was a particular way in which we humans kick-started this whole "climate change" thing . . . and that was called technology.
So I decided that it was my editorial duty to put these concerns to the proper authorities, which, in this case, meant President Bush and his wife, Laura. I realized that it might be necessary to climb a few rungs up the bureaucratic ladder before a face-to-face meeting could be arranged, but where better to start than www.whitehouse.gov? Sure enough, a few clicks of the "search" function and I was directed to . . .
Here was a page where citizen journalists like me could engage in constructive dialogue with America's most powerful, non-partisan public servants. Before engaging, however, I decided to "lurk," as we bloggers say, reading a few of the questions that other citizen journalists had previously put before the White House. Question # 1:
Question, Amber from Eaton: George W. Bush is what number as President of the U.S.?
Answer, David Almacy, Former White House Internet Director: Good question, Amber. President George W. Bush is the 43rd President of the United States. His father, George H.W. Bush, is the 41st. In fact, the order of U.S. Presidents is the source of one of my favorite trivia questions. As previously stated, President Bush is 43rd, but there have only been 42 men to serve as President. Why the difference? The answer is because Grover Cleveland is the only man to serve two terms, non-consecutively. . . .
It goes on from there, for a long time, which is understandable, I guess, since it's the source of one of David's favorite trivia questions. But, to my mind, it raised a couple of additional trivia questions. First, what does Amber have against the encyclopedia? Second, if her question was a good one, what constitutes a bad one?
I tried scrolling down to examine the rest of the questions, but I hadn't scrolled long before I found there was nowhere left to scroll. Evidently, Amber's question was so good, all other questions have been removed from White House Interactive and David Almacy has been relieved of his cumbersome responsibilities. Not a single question has been asked since Amber asked hers on March 26, 2007 10:57 a.m.(EDT)
Sheesh, I thought to myself, nearly everyone in America must have read Amber's question by now, and David's answer, too. Had White House Interactive really ceased interacting? This seemed unfair - a thought which surprised me because I didn't realize the White House was capable of being unfair. But then - aha! - I noticed that at the top of the page, there was a hot link, urging me to SUBMIT A QUESTION. So I did, to wit:
Dear David Almacy, Former White House Internet Director,
How are you? I am fine. Here is my question: It seems that no questions have been asked or answered on "White House Interactive" since Amber's good question got the star treatment back in March. Wassup with that? Has this service been discontinued? If so, why? And to whom should I complain about it? I am a very skilled complainer and maybe I can get you your job back. Yours, patriotically, Conrad Coleridge, Brass Castle, NJ
To my immense surprise, I received an answer from David almost immediately:
Thank you for your input.
I wasn't aware that I'd put anything in and wondered where I'd put it. But at least the White House, through David Almacy, expressed its position with uncharacteristic swiftness and precision, even if that position seemed a little more guarded than I felt was necessary.
So, to David Almacy, wherever you are, I am happy to say . . .
You're welcome!
